Sunday, 10 August 2008

Helicopter Man

Funding has been a significant challenge [AE: Total nightmare] for Grasshopper since we founded. I spent time trawling the net for information and asked around to try and find out how other businesses survived before they were in profit. People were universally cagey about sharing this information. That, naturally, was an irritant.

The only options seemed to be:

1: Get a grant [AE: HARHARHARHARHAR] After exploring this option by filling in 10 grillion forms I concluded that of course, there is no free money except the MARVELLOUS Prince's Trust but we were too old for them. [AE: We LOVE Prince Charles]

2: Beg the bank for a massive loan [AE: Millstone] to fund you [AE: Ruin your life]

3: Go back to the Venture Capitalists [Tony: I'm not going and you can't make me]

Each of these options was equally repugnant and as it seemed like we had to choose one of them I began to feel extremely vexed about our situation. The amount of low-end confectionery I was eating reached an all-time high and green vegetable consumption (principally of the Brassica family) troughed. This period culminated in 2 virtually sleepless nights that went like this:

10pm Go to bed

11pm Get up and watch Jim'll Fix It on Your Tube (check out the girl that sang with Abba, where is she now?)

1am Go through every member of my kindergarten class in my head in alphabetical order to try and hypnotise myself.

1.30am Download Paul McKenna 'I Can Make You Supremely Confident' onto Ipod.

2am Do Paul McKenna 'ICMYSC' twice in a row (to try and garner some benefit from my predicament by using the time to subliminally develop life-long self esteem)

4am Wake up having had a nightmare about being Paul McKenna's assistant and losing something that he needs in his act.

Next night, repeat above.

On day three I spoke to Helicopter Man. He started his own business and has a hairy chest like Magnum PI except blonde. He emphasized the difference between debt at the bank and debt to people who know you in real life. He extolled the beauty of multiple soft loans and it all made perfect sense.

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