Sunday, 3 August 2008

Unsolicited Advice

Since Grasshopper’s conception we have been the unwilling recipients of an almost constant barrage of unsolicited advice. The fact that we don’t know anything about how to build an organic snack food empire apparently doesn’t matter, as we seem to be surrounded by experts. Here are some of my favourite suggestions so far…

1: You should the make the porridge without milk or fruit (when valuing this guidance consider that their recommended recipe would consist of one ingredient only, oats)

2: Get an advert on the TV (30 second slot during Coronation St = £150 000, total Grasshopper marketing budget for 2007 = £nil)

3: Don’t pay your staff more than you have to (We are the only staff and we don’t get paid as we don’t have any money)

4: Don’t aim too high; when things get big it is really hard work. (I have OCD, I love to work)

5: Don’t rush into anything (I rush, it’s in my nature)

6: Patent the recipe (You can’t patent a recipe. Everyone who has ever watched The Dragon’s Den tells us this. I have a short presentation on PowerPoint underlining the basic principles of intellectual property protection which I direct them to because going through it all again makes me upset)

8: You should make bacon-flavoured porridge (there is a reason that no-one has ever made that)

And, my personal favourite:

6: Don’t give up your day job (Too late)

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