Thursday, 26 February 2009

Being a celebrity

Today I was on the radio again. Every time before I go on Abi briefs me saying:

A: ‘Make sure you mention that we’re looking for an investor’
F: ‘I will’
A: ‘Make sure you mention the O2 awards and the website’
F: ‘OK’

As I sat in the BBC waiting room this morning I thought ‘We need an investor.We won the O2 award’

Then they sat me down in front of Jonathan Ross’s brother and put Stevie Wonder headphones on me and I blurted out something about how our porridge is not the kind that you should eat in the recession because it is so expensive and how it’s much better to make regular porridge on the hob.

Then I just sat there like a stunned mullet staring at Jonathan Ross’s brother and thinking ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT’. Then I went home and lay under a blanket and had half a bag of humbugs before lunch.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Good news and bad news.

Good News:
Thanks to Grasshopper’s resident newspaper hack Babs my 2 PAGE piece ran in The Daily Mail this week and we discovered that the whole World seems to read the Daily Mail.

Bad News:
They ran the chubby Anthea shots and people now think we have our meetings in full make-up perched on the work surface of my kitchen.

More Good News:
We received about 300 emails overnight and in true Grasshopper fashion they were pretty far out. From Finnish felt-makers to ladies knitting tea cosies from kelp in the Outer Hebrides they have all been in touch to let us know that our catalogue of incompetence has inspired them to give up their day job and make felt/ weave kelp full time.

We are so grateful to Babs for taking time out of her busy schedule unearthing sex scandals and interviewing cannibals to get this published, we couldn’t have done it without her.

PS Grasshopper mum would like to point out that I didn’t go to Kings and in fact went to UCL which is consistently several points above Kings in The Times ratings, not that it matters, but that it was definitely UCL and that I did a really hard course that there's only like 6 places on each year.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Everything I know about stress

Dad says that stress doesn’t exist but he also says ‘lunch is for wimps’ and he’s wrong about that (lunch is my third favourite meal of the day after breakfast and elevenses). According to medical science the symptoms of stress include irritability and sensitivity to criticism: in Abi’s case you can add spontaneous freak weather conditions and national security threats (

Stress busting is a very personal thing, it’s all about finding out what’s right for you... I once dated a man who used to listen to Enya in the shower before he had to sack someone (she wasn’t in the shower with him, her songs played through a speaker) and another who used to go to Africa and shoot things. Abi’s favourite stress busting activity is swimming lengths; she recommends 50-150 depending on the level of relief required. Mine is seeing Ralf who bends me like a pretzel while I play dead ( Abi also advises the following activities in times of extreme crisis: stroking your pet (see below), baking and pacing. I like to line things up, put things in alphabetical order or count things (using my fingers and the number patterns in my mind). I don’t have a pet because I am allergic.